Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
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I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
My brain is a bad influence on me
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.