Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
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It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
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Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman