knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
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ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Owl Sanctuary
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.