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I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot