Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
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I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Room with a view.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win