Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
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I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee