If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
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All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
FINE, I WON’T.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
never deleting this app.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.