Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
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DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
do what now??
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way