Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
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Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
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D
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ʸ
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I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.