Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
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My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*