If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
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I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Oh no
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*