on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
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At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Smooooooth
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Selfie
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.