Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
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Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Mouse
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us