I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
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Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel