Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
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I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
Real House Wines.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*