Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
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My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.