My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
You Might Also Like
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Pretty much. 🤣
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
this makes me so uncomfortable
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.