9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
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I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much