I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
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I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Got ya covered
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that