Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
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wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
me refusing to leave twitter
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.