I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
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wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
motivation
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.