people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
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My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*