[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
You Might Also Like
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.