me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
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HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
The Others (2001)
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
We need more people like this.