Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
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I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.