Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
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There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *