I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
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as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the