Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
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i love modern commerce
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
How times have changed.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital