My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
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I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.