Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
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A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
Everyone’s family
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Yup
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
is it earth
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.