I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
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Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Same post same
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”