Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
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What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
“TGIM!” – My liver
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or