*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
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Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
sin harder.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.