[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
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Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
WHY?!
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one