Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
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The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
no one likes gloating
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.