To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
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*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*