Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
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So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
Science memes
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.