if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
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It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt