My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
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when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”
-Game of Thrones
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
This checks out
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
Never ghost your hitman.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution