Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
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I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Spider-cat: No One Home
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang