The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
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They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
“just sayin” who asked you though?
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Me :
All Day At Night
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Just got to our Airbnb!
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?