I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
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Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs