if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
You Might Also Like
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good