[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
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Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.