[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
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“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
A flock of dads is called a grill.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I would like even faster food.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat: