If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
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My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Need this in my life lol
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard