Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
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“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow