My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
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My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
#have a #great #PancakeDay
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there