guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
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despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…