*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
You Might Also Like
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.